Thursday, September 16, 2004

Thinking out loud

After a couple of days of trying to get head together have decided to pop on line and say hello to my lovely blog... have fiddled around with settings, and downloaded picasa etc in order to post piccies (hence couple of postings just now with some pictures of my daughter and i from nearly three years ago)

Have discovered a tendency i have to want to express myself for good or bad in this blog - not that i am giving away deep dark secrets, but saying things without necessarly engaging the usual censor in my brain. I am determined to stick with this though, so bear with me.

Have that heartsickness today that can only come from feeling there is too much and i am too little - in a metaphysical sense, in the physical sense i could never be described as small!

I think this is the back to ministry after a couple of weeks break thing - working with people, and performing a role that is, above all, about the well-being of others can feel like quite a responsibility and coming back to that after a relatively carefree time feels like a heavy burden. I will feel a lot more energy and a lot more hope in a few days time when i have had a chance to settle in and remember what it is i am here for

something about god
something about love
something about serving
that keeps this all together

Before i went away i had something of a 'disconsolate' vibe going on, a sense of not quite being in the right soulspace, and i thought it might be to do with needing a break, but it is nestling in a place just below my heart and needs some attention. It isn't about unhappiness or fear, but a need to address a deeper reality about who i am and what i am supposed to be and to do.

Hmmmmm... I guess that this is me living up to my reputation as 'cheery, with bouts of deep thinking.' See what i mean about sharing without the censor?

If expressing such things could ever be a help to anyone then this is a good thing if not then i hope anyone who reads it can happily ignore it.

I guess i will go now, there is still work to be done and people to see.

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