name? repeating it over and over;
I stand apart to hear--it never tires me.
To you your name also;
Did you think there was nothing but two or three pronunciations in
the sound of your name?
Walt Whitman (1819-1892)
What complex things we human beings are. At any given moment we combine layers of experience, belief, fear, hope, love, truth, deception and so much more as we present ourselves to the world around. I love Whitman's poem above, which seems to express something of that complexity of our identity, and encouraging us to consider who and what we are, and not just our external, but our internal complexities.
In fact all of these I can be at any time. As I have grown older, and grown up, I have realised that though I can, if I wish, present in different ways by far the best is just learning to be me. Pretense, falsehood, deception, play acting take up so much energy, and mean trying to keep one's story straight all the time! It is quite hard enough learning who we are, and trying to be ourselves, so why waste energy on anything else?
And over these past years, as I have walked with Jesus, as I have grown in faith and understanding (and I am mature enough to realise that despite my predilection to self-depreciation I have grown in such things) I realise that I am, in a way that I probably haven't been able to say before, happy with who and what I am. I am not claiming to have got beyond all of my faults and insecurities, nor beyond my need to feel loved and accepted, but I recognise that even for all my mistakes and shortcomings I am who I am meant to be. I am seeking authenticity, and I rest in the knowledge of a God who knows me better than I know myself loving me beyond all reason and beyond my understanding.
I am continuing on that journey of finding who I am meant to be in Christ. Not losing my own identity in the process, but being incorporated in the body of Christ and by Grace knowing what it is for my selfishness to decrease and Christ to increase.
Which brings me back to the Original heading of this post... the question 'Who Am I' can be taken in two ways. Firstly a question of identity, something that I will continue to explore through my whole life and especially at this time with the people of St John The Divine and my colleagues in the Diocese.
Secondly there is a sense of unworthiness. Not a self-condemnatory sense, but a humbling sense of 'why?' to the question. Who am I that I have been called to this place and given this task? What gifts do I have to meet these challenges? Why does God love me and want me to do this?
Again, the heart of this, as a Christian and as a Priest, is to rest in the love and grace of God in Christ. And my challenge continues to be allowing that deep sense of God's love and forgiveness and graciousness to sink in. To remember that no matter how inadequate I feel, or how unworthy, or broken, or lost, there is a deeper stream of life and love that comes from the divine, from the heart of God.
In a lighter note to end this post - an 80s moment! I used to listen to a lot of CCM - that's Contemporary Christian Music to all you normal people out there who have probably never heard of such a thing. One song that I do love from that era is an expression of that question'Who am I?' I'm not sure of it's musical merit, it is an 80s track after all, but I I still like it. So here it is.